Top 5 sexual jokes of 2000

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by Klay, Apr 14, 2001.

  1. Klay

    Klay Member Guru

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    The Top 5 Sexual Jokes of 2000 <br>
    <br>
    Number five: <br>
    <br>
    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes <br>
    into her breast. They are both quite startled. <br>
    The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your <br>
    breast, I know you'll forgive me." <br>
    She replies, "If your **** is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." <br>
    <br>
    Number four: <br>
    <br>
    A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He <br>
    notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about <br>
    it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American <br>
    Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter <br>
    penises. <br>
    ”By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" <br>
    "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you." <br>
    <br>
    Number three: <br>
    <br>
    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his <br>
    wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a <br>
    gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, <br>
    rejected, turns over. <br>
    A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. <br>
    "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" <br>
    <br>
    Number two: <br>
    <br>
    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number <br>
    of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a <br>
    terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle <br>
    slicer. <br>
    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but <br>
    Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion <br>
    on his own. <br>
    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that <br>
    something was seriously wrong. <br>
    "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. <br>
    "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my <br>
    penis into the pickle slicer?" <br>
    "Oh, Bill, you didn't." <br>
    "Yes, I did." <br>
    "My God, Bill, what happened?" <br>
    "I got fired." <br>
    "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" <br>
    "Oh...she got fired too." <br>
    <br>
    Number one: <br>
    <br>
    A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast <br>
    table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were <br>
    sitting here at this breakfast table together." <br>
    "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as <br>
    jaybirds fifty years ago." <br>
    "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two <br>
    stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. <br>
    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples <br>
    are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago. <br>
    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the <br>
    other is in your oatmeal."<br>
    <br>
    <IMG SRC="smileys/biggrin.gif">
     
  2. Hilbert Hagedoorn

    Hilbert Hagedoorn Don Vito Corleone Staff Member

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    LOL <IMG SRC="smileys/approve.gif"> Keep 'em coming folks !!
     
  3. Klay

    Klay Member Guru

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    LOVE DRESS<br>
    <br>
    A mother is going over to son's house, who happened to be just married. <br>
    <br>
    She knocks on the door, and her daughter-in-law answers, naked. <br>
    <br>
    The mother is shocked, and goes, "Why are you walking around the house naked?" <br>
    <br>
    The new wife replies, "Well, this is my love dress, and when I wear this dress, my husband get's really excited." <br>
    <br>
    The mother ponders over this for a while, then goes home. <br>
    <br>
    After a little more thinking, the mother decides to try it on her husband when he gets home. <br>
    <br>
    So when her husband knocks on the door, she answers it, naked. <br>
    <br>
    The husband looks her up and down. <br>
    <br>
    Then asks, "Why in the world are you walking around the house naked?!" <br>
    <br>
    So the mother explains, "This is my love dress." <br>
    <br>
    The husband looks shocked, and then replies, "Well, it needs to be ironed!" <br>
     
  4. Vincent MacLeod

    Vincent MacLeod Ancient Guru

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    That all?Keep it going <IMG SRC="smileys/bounce.gif"> And here's is your beer <IMG SRC="smileys/biggrin.gif">
     

  5. Klay

    Klay Member Guru

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    mmmm.......about time i got my beer......LOL! <IMG SRC="smileys/wave.gif">
     
  6. stealthmaker

    stealthmaker Ancient Guru

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    gr8 ones <IMG SRC="smileys/hot.gif"> <IMG SRC="smileys/hot.gif"> <IMG SRC="smileys/hot.gif"> <IMG SRC="smileys/hot.gif"> <IMG SRC="smileys/hot.gif"> <br>
    keep them comming and i'll keep the ur beer or beer(s) cold for u<br>
     
  7. Aris

    Aris Master Guru

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    Here's a short one:<br>
    <br>
    A guy get's home from work earlier than usual and finds his wife in bed naked. Why are you naked he askes... I don't have any dresses that I like, she replies. The guy opens the closet and starts counting dresses... What about this red dress I bought you a week ago, this green one its beatiful, this yellow, this pink, this one, that one, hi john , the blue one... <IMG SRC="smileys/wink.gif">
     
  8. Ice Cold

    Ice Cold Guru of 3D Bartender

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    WHAAAAA !! LOL LOL LMAO !! <IMG SRC="smileys/wave.gif"> <IMG SRC="smileys/approve.gif"> <IMG SRC="smileys/biggrin.gif">
     
  9. Planetman667

    Planetman667 Guest

    this is a story<br>
    <br>
    it was the last day of my sophmore year in high school i was picking up my year book i walked up to the table and picked up my year book and looked down at the girl sitting there handing out the year books, she was kinda of sad. i asked her whats wrong she said that she didn't have a date to the party that night. so i asked her to go she said yes, so id pick her up after i got off work. i was stoked i mean she was beautiful nice rack smile the nine yards.<br>
    <br>
    so after work i drive my ugly 50 different color vw bug to get her. i knock on the door and the father is standing there smiling and shakes my hand hi brian ive heard so much about so you want to take my truck out tonight!!! (thinking to myself what the **** is this guy smoking hes lending me a 96 chevy doesn't know me im gonia get his daughter drunk and bone her, what the ****) i say okay why not? he says oh yeah curfew 1:00 a.m. to 2:00 a.m.<br>
    <br>
    so he hollers for veronica come down here brians here. what the **** do you know she wheels her no legged ass out, i look at her and am thinking oh crap only my stupid ass luck i mean what the **** is this crap. everything comes into prospective now. fine girl no date no legs okay the table i know i know it had a big table cloth and i didn't think the whell chair arms was a ****ing wheel chair but a damn chair. okay so what ill be made fun of the rest of my high school life and take her out its better than her father kicking my azz all up and down the block.<br>
    <br>
    so he gives me the keys i take her to the truck place the wheel chair in the back pick her up While shes in the air her stubs where just flopping around it was like she was trying to kick something i didn't want to laugh so i bit my tounge. we get to the party i get made fun of and looked at funny oh well. i get shitty and so does she i mean 16 years old 5 beers 1 shot its over i say **** it go to the truck lay down in the bed she comes wheeling out and says help me up i wanna talk to you. so i lift her up set her down she says something i can't remember but she kisses me. i sit up look around nobodies out i say **** it why not so we start at it she pulls it out and places the condom on and starts riding oh yeahhhhh!!!<br>
    im screwing her shes on top im spining her in circles her ****ing stubbs where kicking around. i nut she nuts its over<br>
    <br>
    she passes out and im thinking what in the hell am i to do take her home all shitty just screwed 3 ways from sunday, im getting my ass kicked. so i get to her house. im thinking just leave her in the walk way passed out ill ring the doorbell and run to my car and leave so i do it place her in the walk way throw the keys in her pocket ring the doorbell as im running by her she pulls on my leg just like im pulling on yours.<br>
    <br>
    i had 15 people going with that one a couple of beers and you'll have some laughs let me tell ya
     
  10. -=HAFT=-

    -=HAFT=- Guest

    planetman667 that was actually a little funny
     

  11. Vincent MacLeod

    Vincent MacLeod Ancient Guru

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    Hahaha.I get the picture <IMG SRC="smileys/rolleyes.gif">
     

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