****the Official Jokes Page*****

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by Mark, Aug 23, 2004.

  1. Disaster

    Disaster Active Member

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    LMAO.....
     
  2. backbydemand

    backbydemand Guest

    What has a Playstation and a clitoris got in common?

    Every c*nts got one....
     
  3. Six Shooter

    Six Shooter Maha Guru

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    A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

    "How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

    "Three dollars an ounce."

    "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

    "Four dollars an ounce."

    "How much for lawyer brain?"

    "$1,000 an ounce."

    "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

    "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
     
  4. backbydemand

    backbydemand Guest

    Jesus is doing his rounds walking through Heaven, one day he sees a man sat down crying.

    Jesus sits down next to him and asks him why he is so unhappy, after all, he is in Heaven.

    The man says, "I miss my son, on Earth I was a carpenter, he left to make his own way in the world and I lost him at an early age".

    Tears of happiness well up in Jesus' eyes and he says to the man, "Is that you Father?"

    The man says, "Yes! Is that you Pinnochio?"
     

  5. Anncia

    Anncia Master Guru

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    A little blonde girl comes back from school one afternoon.
    She runs to her Mom and says, "Mommy, today at school we
    learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
    1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7,8,9, 10! That's good, isn't?"
    "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the Mom.
    "Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
    "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde," the Mom says.
    The next day, the little girl comes back from school and
    says, "Mommy today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls
    only went as far as D, but listen to me, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!
    That's good, isn't it?"
    "Yes, darling, very good," answers the Mom.
    "Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?" she asks.
    "Yes, darling it's because you're blonde," the Mom says.
    The next Day, she returns from school and cries, "Mommy, today we went
    swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
    She then proceeds to flash her impressive 36D's at her Mom. "Is that because
    I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25."

    :)
     
  6. Xbrain

    Xbrain Master Guru

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    those are pretty good !
    by the way i just saw the new site design and it's amazing !
     
  7. RES

    RES Member

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    What does a Gigolo and the Pink Panther have in common??
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    There both Peter Sellers.................:p

    RES
     
  8. omniscientist

    omniscientist Maha Guru

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    sorry lol, the first post was a joke, wasn't being serious :)
     
  9. Morketh

    Morketh Ancient Guru

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    the 1-2 sentence jokes just arent funny if you guys would spare us the time of reading them thatd be great.
     
  10. Six Shooter

    Six Shooter Maha Guru

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    This one's classic:

    Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

    The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

    To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

    To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

    To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

    A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

    :)
     

  11. Six Shooter

    Six Shooter Maha Guru

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    Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

    The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

    This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

    The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

    Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Carmen Electra. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

    "Carmen, you have sinned."
     
  12. Mark

    Mark Ancient Guru

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  13. RaStAsMuRf

    RaStAsMuRf Master Guru

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    this thread is a genius idea, but i dont have any appropriate jokes that i can think of lol :p

    keep em coming :)
     
  14. Pr0v

    Pr0v Ancient Guru

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    genius, genius indeed, let me find you guys some jokes ;P
     
  15. Pr0v

    Pr0v Ancient Guru

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    A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
    The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

    The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

    Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
    The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

    :)
     

  16. Pr0v

    Pr0v Ancient Guru

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    A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
    He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

    "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

    "Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

    rofl
     
  17. Pr0v

    Pr0v Ancient Guru

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    A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
    "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

    The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

    animal jokes :p
     
  18. backbydemand

    backbydemand Guest

    A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
    you're upside down?" "Because the **** is running down my back!"
     
  19. backbydemand

    backbydemand Guest

    A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your *******. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
     
  20. Mark

    Mark Ancient Guru

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    There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
    The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

    The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

    The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

    The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

    It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
     

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