Really could use some advice on a personal situation!....

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by DSparil, Mar 16, 2015.

  1. DSparil

    DSparil Ancient Guru

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    You totally nailed it!! 100%. When I broke it off with her she was hurt and fell into this emo downward spiral and like you said, there was some bum guy willing to "help her out" and then whammo - shes preggo. I totally understand her and her daughter are a package deal now and I accept that. I have just never lived with a kid before and it is the unknown that makes me nervous. I think I could hack it, but It's an experience I've never had! I do truly love her though.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  2. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Ancient Guru

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    If you have patience / calm type of person, living with someone elses kids is fine, depending on how the mother acts

    Ive lived with a few like I said, some were fine, but others although they said I should treat the kids like my own, normal discipline a father would use etc, the second I asked the kid to do something, the mother would undermine me and tell the kid they didn't have to do what I said - when that happens, it's never gonna work
     
  3. eclap

    eclap Banned

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    fixed that for you.
     
  4. Agent-A01

    Agent-A01 Ancient Guru

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    The older you get the more you'll realize caring for someones kid isn't that big of a deal. If the feelings are mutual that you both want to be together, then go for it.
     

  5. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Ancient Guru

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    Doesn't take long before that kid starts to grow on you and caring for them becomes second nature anyway, as if they are your own

    One girl I was with had a 2 year old and a more or less new born, I dreaded it, but after a week or so I found myself getting up through the night to feed her and get her back to sleep and quite enjoyed the responsibility
     
  6. sykozis

    sykozis Ancient Guru

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    I didn't want to generalize since I'm only familiar with US society.
     
  7. mbk1969

    mbk1969 Ancient Guru

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    Actually you will have a bonus if you will decide to take both girl and her baby. Bonus - because you will miss the most difficult period of baby age- first 6-8 months. After that age baby will be more and more interesting to interact.
     
  8. Valken

    Valken Ancient Guru

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    May I ask how old you are and have you ever thought about kids in your future?

    We know how you feel about her, but my other two questions will help give you some clarity or at least get you to think about the main issue - raising a child.

    The older you get, and IF you had always wanted kids, then having kids earlier is better since in your heart you have already made room for a little him or her. The child is young and accept you if you treat her well as possibly your own. Its not hard to love someone who love you for you, wholeheartedly.

    Anyone who ever wanted to have kids, will answer they have no regrets no matter the hardships. It is worth it if you have that capacity.

    If you never wanted or thought of kids, it will take you MORE time to consider and accept. You may actually never want kids and this can totally ruin your relationship with your girl.

    Its the eventual money issue: raising kids - food, shelter, clothing is not expensive. You already have 2/3rds of it on your own and clothing can be had at good prices.

    Education, car and future investment is where all the big finance headaches comes in since that will cut into any rent/mortgage, hobby funds and retirement that you have or savings for. That will eat into you sooner or later unless you make so much money its not even something to worry about. I'm talking about 300 - 400 USD per month for a basic prep school from 5 years up to college.

    Make no mistake, you WILL eventually be financially partially responsible if you want to maintain a good relationship with her unless she is super well off, makes damn good money or you are the big bread winner.

    Then there is managing a relationship with a child/teen/young adult throughout your years while feeling a sense of unsolicited responsibility. Honestly, its all over your posts already since you keep questioning it. Don't expect that previous guy to own up to his love child. You are the man now and you either stick with it, fug it up during the whole process or walk away from it now.

    Also, we all hear what you say about this lady, but I can tell you have not really experienced the world.

    There are so many beautiful girls still out there and available and you cutting this one off does not mean you will find one less than her. In fact, you will probably find someone as good or BETTER since you know or think you know what you want and this experience will give you wisdom into the next relationship.

    Seriously man... there are lot of options out there. And before feminists come stomping down on my throat here, women do EXACTLY this all the time. They compare and try to upgrade constantly. Nothing wrong with it but don't even think about throwing down some insults about this. Truth hurts but its real.

    Good luck with whatever your decision is.
     
  9. AsiJu

    AsiJu Ancient Guru

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    I haven't been in a situation exactly like yours DSparil, but a similar one.
    Let's say the pieces are pretty much the same but the order is different ;)

    So, you are in a long-distance relationship to begin with, even if you (both?) would like it to be changed to "short-distance".
    Trust me, that's when things can get ugly, when you live together.
    I dated my current spouse for years before we moved in together and still some sh*t hit the fan, so to speak.

    Not to mention bringing in a kid in to this equation surely doesn't make things any simpler.
    It may work initially when both of you feel that's what you want to do, but the reality will kick in soon.
    Financial stuff, routines, schedules, work, freetime... not so simple to work out.

    The similarity I referred to meant I faced a similar decision myself, and decided to go my own way instead.
    In retrospect, it clearly was the right choice, even if it felt difficult at the time.

    Someone also said above that she may be the girl for you, but you're not the boy for her.
    Sadly, I must agree with that to an extent, given what you've told.
    Falling-out you had is no excuse to go and get pregnant for someone else, which should ring some alarm bells as such. To put it bluntly.

    Many people will probably tell you to follow your heart and that's fine. I'd say try to follow your head too as much as possible.
    Then, see which one wins and make the decision accordingly.

    The setting (you, her, her kid) can work, but it surely requires you both really want to do that and involves a lot of work.
    Ask yourself whether it's worth all the work and risks involved.
     
  10. CrazY_Milojko

    CrazY_Milojko Ancient Guru

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    ^^^ Amen to this! Couldn't agree more...

    OP, I'm not joking, go to some bar and get drunk as much as you can. Tomorrow morning vomits and headache is going to clear your mind and body and force you not to think about that girl and her child for at least few hours. Later that day when you get sober and with clear mind if you're still not sure about her and mostly about that "package" you're maybe gonna get then I sad to give up and find yourself another girl. As someone sad earlier: there is enough fish outhere, they're just waiting for right bait. Wish you all the luck whatever you decide.
     

  11. DSparil

    DSparil Ancient Guru

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    I actually considered this! I would like to have a child of my own with this girl too, and this would really be a window into fatherhood and what it would be like in not just a relationship live-in with her, but a family. Plus, I hear the kids can be a lot of fun after the initial stages. It would just be new to me.

    To answer your question, I am no spring chicken and am 35 as of two weeks ago :) I think I am more than ready to consider the responsibility with a situation such as this, and it just took me a bit longer to "grow up" than it takes a lot of people. 8 years ago, I wouldn't have considered this in a second and would have ran for the hills. Things are different now.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  12. Andrés

    Andrés Ancient Guru

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    You don't know how strong your relationship is until you live together for a while. Right now, you only see what she decides to show you, and she only sees what you decide to show her. Cohabitation changes everything. You don't really know if she's the one until you live together. The obstacle in this case is that she has a baby and would have to move from the other side of the country. That's not easily undoable if things don't work out well.

    Mathematically is a big NO. Applying my common sense, also a big NO.

    Ask yourself if you are not idealizing her. Filling the empty spaces with your own ideals of a perfect (for you) woman.

    My advice would be to part amicably, move on and build a more normal relationship with someone else.
     
  13. AndreasGuido

    AndreasGuido Ancient Guru

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    Dont know dude, it would be like playing brand new game but starting with someone elses save files. But i agree with earlier post, if you are doubting yourself and had to ask on here, i dont think you are ready to take "the whole package". I honestly wouldnt be able to do it.
     
  14. Veeshush

    Veeshush Maha Guru

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    When you have enough doubt to ask on a computer tech forum, ya might not want to do this.

    There's what sounds good in your head and then reality. Long distant relationships never work because of issue of distance. And seeing as you aren't actually living together now, you're going to have all these fantasies about how wonderful it'd be, some of which may end up true and most others not. Best friends end up wanting to kill each other after becoming roommates. And again, because of the distance, there's going to be no warm up period for her and her daughter to get used to you, and vice versa.

    I'm not saying it's never been done before, but... I'd do a test trial by moving to where she is, mainly for the sake of the kid. Try it for a month to half a year. Decide what way you want to go then.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  15. N0sferatU

    N0sferatU Ancient Guru

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    Exactly. Even though you said it was called off, she didn't waste much time getting knocked up. She's obviously not moving to your side of the country. There's plenty of fish in the sea. I've "been there and done that" with others in the past that I thought "were the one."

    How old are you anyways? Forum join date says 2001 I'm assuming you're closer to your 30s then.

    Tampa's got a lot to offer. Go to SoHo or Clearwater and meet some people. Try online dating. Play the field.
     

  16. DSparil

    DSparil Ancient Guru

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    Some people have mentioned that if I have to ask on here, its inherently a bad idea there is no way I am ready for it. That is not necessarily the case. I value the experience and life knowledge of others and simply wanted to tap into the valuable life experience some others have had with this.

    There are always different views/angles that other people see that we may not! Its like having three people proofread something before you complete it. Just because other eyes should see it, doesn't mean the person that did the art isn't confident :)

    Correct, I just turned 35 earlier this month :) and trust me, I've tried the Tampa Bay dating scene and its a fu(king mess. I can't stand it lol
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  17. Veeshush

    Veeshush Maha Guru

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    My point was more that there might be too much that could go wrong. The multiple viewpoints you get on the internet aren't a bad thing.

    Speaking for myself, you'll never know how things actually do go until you're doing them. Just be prepared for the outcomes, and have multiple plans for as many scenarios as you can think of. Better said than done, but it helps. Again, I'd try planning a month stay with them first and see.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  18. mbk1969

    mbk1969 Ancient Guru

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    Another thought: If you will bring both girls to your home and at some point you will decide to do your own baby, consider that until approximately 3 years age little girl is not separated from her mother. At 3 years most of babies have a crisis of "separation from mother". And if you guys will born your own baby before little girl overcomes that separation crisis you can traumatize her. I saw such things.
     
  19. Clouseau

    Clouseau Ancient Guru

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    Think of it like this; there is no win, win here. All that is being done is exchanging one set of circumstances for another. It worries me though that she is going to make it as easy as possible for you. Pipe dream. Adjustment phases are just that, adjustment phases.

    The sad thing in our society, kids are often treated as side effects so to say. If you cannot commit to this child 100% without hesitation than move on. Kids are not some experiment to see if the desired outcome is reached. Your relationship with the girl is not going to be what you think it is. Your relationship needs to be centered around that child.
     
  20. DSparil

    DSparil Ancient Guru

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    Why does it need to be centered around her child? It is her child. I am sure If I were to do this, my main motivation would be to be with the girl. This doesn't mean I couldn't develop a love for the child and fall into that role, it means that isn't the reason I would be doing this.
     

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