Need some advice on a sticky situation...

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by kanej2007, Dec 5, 2012.

  1. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    So there's this girl I've known for quite some time. We have spoken to each other over the phone on a daily basis & have gone out on several dates...

    Everything is good & we both truly love each other. I've recently seen & spoken to the family, both over the phone & in person by visiting them.

    I spoke to the family about getting engaged & getting to know the girl.

    Since the parents don't allow the girl to go out, see me or even speak to me over the phone it's hard to communicate with her. Whenever I've taken her out or spoken to her it was done behind her parents back.

    Her parents are stubborn & very hard on the girl. I've seen with my own eyes she is made to do a lot of house work, cleaning, washing up, ironing & cooking.

    Her father would often come home from work late at 1:00 or so in the morning. He will then demand her to prepare food for him, bring him a drink & he raises his voice, he is hard on her.

    The girl works part time & on several occasions her mother would not let her leave to go to work until the house work has been completed. Her mum would lock the door & demand her to finish work in the house before going to work. The girl phoned me a few times crying that she was late for work due to her mother asking he to do the house work.

    She is often 1-2 hours late for work due to house work. She is treated like a servant by her parents, she is not happy but since she is living with her family she has no choice.

    Now, after speaking several times with her parents, the father seems to like me but her mother, who is a trouble maker doesn't seem fond of me. She is nitpicking on silly things and saying things about my mother & father, accusing of of lying. The mother doesn't seem to want her daughter to be happy or get married, just want to continue to use her for cooking & cleaning the house.

    Whenever I see my GF treated like this, it really hurts & angers me, I feel so sorry for her.

    After speaking to my parents several times about the situation, they too agree her family are tough, don't want anyone happy & even if I got married I will get trouble & headache in the future from her parents, especially the mother.

    My father told me yesterday that if I get a 'no' from her parents to accept the answer and forget the girl. There are plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of single women with decent families.

    Thing is I love this girl & she loves me. She is often stressed & upset due to the way she is treated by her family. She is not even allowed to leave the house, go out or see friends. If she wishes to go out she must go with her parents or one of her brothers.

    Her parents are not on good terms & rarely take the girl anywhere. Maybe several times to the month to get some food/shopping or to the dentist.

    There is no entertainment, no restaurants or even the cinema. Food is always cooked & eaten at home, never do the parents go out & eat.

    My GF has 2 younger brothers, they too are very quiet & rarely go out, they spend most of the time in their rooms gaming.

    It kills me seeing such a nice girl living like this with such a horrible family.

    Previously when the girl was not working she would be locked in the house 24/7. I used to come home from work at 6:00 on a daily basis and see her staring at me from her balcony, but it was a sad smile. I could see she wanted to come down to meet me & say hi but it was not allowed.

    When her parents leave the house they take the keys so the girl cannot leave the house. Her brother/s are usually home so the girl is never alone.

    I truly love this girl & wish to spend the rest mf my life with her, making her happy, smile, take her out and enjoy our life.

    Should I get bad news from her family, it will mean they do not wish me to marry their daughter, and never will they want me to see or speak to her again.

    Why should this poor girl continue to suffer with her family? She is currently 23 years old, not 16. Yet no matter what she says to her parents they refuse to listen or show any kind of interest to what she desires.

    Her mother will keep giving her excuses and tell her she is not in love, she is thinking from her heart & not her brain.

    Questions is, what would YOU do if you was in MY position? I've thought about this for weeks & it's a tough call. I cannnot just forget this girl, walk away & continue to let her suffer & live a miserable life with her family who show no love/care towards her.

    Would you forget the situation & move on? Or, would you save up some money, get some tickets, move to another country with the girl you love, marry & live a happy life?

    Looking forwards to a positive response gurus.
     
  2. ibitato

    ibitato Ancient Guru

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    for the parents :
    [​IMG]
     
  3. Mikedogg

    Mikedogg Banned

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    ^Thank god for the shovel.
    _______________________

    I don't fraternize with love so I don't have that stress (I should be a monk), but ask her if she wants to move in with you. Sounds like her parents are control freaks and the grip needs to be severed.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2012
  4. AndreasGuido

    AndreasGuido Ancient Guru

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    Sticky situation... and you start: so there is a girl.. :p

    Maybe she can move in with you? Parents can be a**holes, but it shouldnt be stopping u 2.
     

  5. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    Your 100% right, her parents are control freaks. Can you believe that even at work her parents randomy visit her to make sure she is there?

    Also they call her several times when she's working to make sure she is there.

    It really pisses me off. They call/control her 24/7. If her parents, especially her father calls her & she doesn't answer he FLIPS. He will shout at her, accuse her of seeing someone & wonder where she was.

    My GF already suggested going to the UK with me since she is unhappy, wants to marry me & spend the rest of her life with me.

    I told her let's see how things go. I will save up every penny I get from work incase we decide to leave & get married.

    @ ibitato, haha for the spade, her parents do need a wack in the back of their heads for the way they raise & treat their daughter.
     
  6. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    True, she CAN move in with me. However, it will mean I will have to leave Dubai & return to the UK.

    If this girl leaves the house her parents will call her 24/7 & call the police & make a big scene.

    The only way she can move out & live with me is to leave the country, her family will not listen to their daughter, care what she wants or thinks.

    Everything has to be their way. She has been beaten before by her parents when she was younger. I could go on but I've cried several times thinking about the girl & the way she has been treated.
     
  7. Mikedogg

    Mikedogg Banned

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    Well there is one thing they don't have control of, and that's her freedom. Freedom isn't free so you two will have to fight for it. Sounds like the old man is a fairly rational guy since you have gotten on his good side already.

    Anyway, present the idea of moving out to her first and go from there. Whats the worst that could happen? unless her parents are homicidal. :p
     
  8. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    Well, moving out means they won't know WHERE we've gone or WHERE we are.

    There are over 150 countries on this world with a population of several billion, won't be easy to find us. :D
     
  9. AndreasGuido

    AndreasGuido Ancient Guru

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    Would police care i parents said that their daughter moved out? Im just not sure about Dubai,but she is 23 at the end of a day. I think you should talk to her about moving out and if her parents give you hell you can police on them :)
     
  10. keenan

    keenan Ancient Guru

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    She is 23? I take it she is from Dubai aswell? I suppose it's not uncommon for Arabian perents to be strict, well more so than their British counterparts..

    If she is old enough she can choose to leave at her own will and start standing on her own feet, obviously alot easier with you being there for her to actualy find her feet first...
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2012

  11. Mikedogg

    Mikedogg Banned

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    Getting beaten by the folks, good times (probably why I'm such a mess. For the most part.)

    Look, it doesn't matter if she moves to the UK with you if she makes the choice, whats gonna happen is you will get a lot of calls for a while and over time that will die off, and what are the police gonna do? no laws have been broken, it's her choice.
     
  12. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    Police wouldn't care. However, knowing her parents, they will probably make out the girl has been kidnapped & alert the police, airports, etc.

    This is why getting some last minute plane tickets & leaving is the best thing to do. Her parents can then sit down & think WHY their daughter left them. If their wise or have any kind of sense they will see it is THEM who are the cause. If her parents weren't so hard on her there would be no reason to leave them.

    I've read several stories very similar to this one. It usually ends up the girl hangs/kills herself due to depression/anger. I don't want this girl going the same route...

    She is 23. The girl is from Syria, generally they are strict, but this family is over the top, not stable and did not raise the kids the way normal parents should.

    Even her 2 younger brothers seem disturbed, both are very quiet and when they speak they both stammer. Why? This is the way they were raised, fear from their parents. Even my GF is TERRIFIED from her family especially her father.

    Whenever I've been with her & her phone rings, the look of her face, she shakes, gets scared & runs off to attend to her family. They will usually ask her WHERE she is, WHAT she is doing, WHY is she not in her work, etc...

    The girl ONLY has/uses a phone for her family to contact her on. Apparently when the girl is not working/at home her parents take her phone & simcard from her, not allowing her to communicate, WTF???
     
  13. AndreasGuido

    AndreasGuido Ancient Guru

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    Ive heard that muslim parents can be more strict but that just sounds over the top. She is 23 mate and you can easily get her to move in with you! If they dont like it tough ****, shouldnt have been so hard on her!
     
  14. Hyvry1

    Hyvry1 Maha Guru

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    You will need to sort her visa out for the UK.
     
  15. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    Yeah, TOOOOO strict & VERY controlling & want EVERYTHING their own way whether their daughter wants it or not. The daughter has no say which is wrong.

    However, in Dubai, it won't be easy to take her & move out. They will involve police, saying she has been kidnapped & want her to return home. The law here will be on the familys side, getting married here will be tough since her family MUST be present for us to get married.

    Plan is to go to Turkey, Lebanon or Egypt (does not require a visa) & marry her there. Once married I will easily be able to get her a visa to go to the UK.

    Correct. Getting her a vista, especially in Dubai will be near impossible & will take several months just to get an answer. Should we go abroad to another country (which doesn't require a visa) we can get married & get her a visa.

    Then we will go & settle in the UK since most of my family live there.

    I hate doing this, but if the worst comes to the worst I may take her & move out. Why should I let her continue to suffer & live a miserable life?

    Decisions & choices & chosen by her parents whether she likes it or not.

    Saving up as much money as possible should we decide to leave...
     

  16. eclap

    eclap Banned

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    you've spoken to her parents about getting to know her and getting engaged? why are you even thinking about getting married when you don't know the girl? you've only been on a few dates? youdon't know much about her, why are you rushing in? puppy love feels good but seriously man, slow down. You're doing it like teenagers do it. slow down, relax, have a grown up relationship before you start thinking about marriage!
     
  17. John

    John Ancient Guru

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    What the actual fark. She's 23 and she still lives with her parents? She's a grown-up ffs. Tell her to grow some (lady)balls and move out, her parents have no business where she chooses to live. She even has a job! Being that dependent on your parents at that age can't be healthy.

    Also, if she's treated as badly as you say, you can be sure she's got all sorts of issues. Think long and hard about the future with her, and if it's worth it to you. You might think you know her, but yeah... women can be viscously good at hiding their bad sides.
     
  18. AbjectBlitz

    AbjectBlitz Ancient Guru

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    Unfortunately from my experience this kind of behaviour is pretty normal for Muslim parents regards their daughters.

    Personally I would move on, it will always be trouble. But I know your heart will say otherwise.
     
  19. kanej2007

    kanej2007 Ancient Guru

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    We've known each other for several months. I agree it's way to early for marriage. We just want to GET engaged, get to know each other & eventually get married. Problem is her family might not agree on us getting engaged. At the moment we've not had an answer yet but from what the girl is saying, it looks like a no. Her mother is against it & is brainwashing her husband.

    She is saying such rediculous $hit like my mother does not wear a scarf (cover her hair) , is not religeous & we are lying about our religeon.

    Why is her mother looking at my parents/family? It is I who wishes to engage & get to know the daughter, not my parents yet her evil mother uses my family as an excuse to say no.

    MAIN reason WHY I want to get engaged is because IF I don't, I will not be allowed to talk to the girl or even see her.

    Several weeks back I finished work & thought I'd pass by to take my GF to a coffee shop to have a simple conversation. As usual her phone rings. She $hits herself, looks like she's about to cry. She told me it's her father, what shall she do, what shall she say, should she answer? She said if she doesn't answer he will only get more angry whatever the reason. If she was to say she was in the bathroom, the phone was on silent or the simple fact she didn't hear her phone her father will give her $hit & not believe her.

    He will accuse her of leaving her workplace, meeting someone & demand to know where she went and who she saw.

    Anyway, that same day I raced to her workplace so she could see her father. She answered his call. In a loud angry tone of voice he was asking her all sorts of questions.

    Anyway we arrived & when her father saw us he went straight to his daughter. Angrily he said why did you leave? Where did you go? You know VERY well your not allowed to go out. Why did you do it? I saw the look in her eyes, she was afraid, VERY afraid. Her father then turned to me & said why did you see my daughter & take her out without my permission.

    I didn't want to piss him off anymore or make problems so I simply said I'm sorry, I just took her for a drink. I also said it was my mistake for taking her out without his permission & that it wouldn't happen again.

    He responded & said that If I EVER wanted to see or speak to his daughter, I have to call him, get permission & go to their house to see her.

    Several times I actually did this, it was a big waste of time. I went to their house to speak to the daughter & instead the entire family came & sat down, uncluding her uncle & younger brothers. What is someone to say or talk about with the entire family right becide you?

    It ended up in the whole family talking to me & me speaking to them.

    The most I said to the girl was hi and bye. Waste of time that was.

    Your 100% correct. She is old & SHOULD have the right to choose where to go and where she lives. Unfortunately she is controlled by her parents & she is not allowed to make any decisions. Should the girl answer back or disagree it will result in an arguement & the girl will be beaten.

    The ONLY issues I've seen the girl have due to her parents & the way she was brought up is FEAR, not being comfortable. The girl is very soft, gentle but scared because of her parents.

    My GF told me that several years back she refused to wear the scarf (cover her hair) . She simply told her parents I don't want to wear it. It turned into an arguement and her mother pulled her hair & slapped her. She is FORCED to cover her hair even though she doesn't want to.
     
  20. Andrés

    Andrés Ancient Guru

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    I don't want to sound mean but for her, any man representing the chance of getting the hell out of that house will automatically be the love of her life.

    I think you should forget about her, sounds like a lot of suffering for anyone you really don't seem to know that much.
     

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