ISP Complaint letter of the year (UK) very funny

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by Steven Hone, Jun 29, 2007.

  1. Steven Hone

    Steven Hone Paolo the Gun

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    Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
    read on.

    Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
    letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,
    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
    your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
    not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
    of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
    so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
    rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
    have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
    day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
    spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
    technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
    minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
    annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
    website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
    - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
    although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
    such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
    had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
    arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
    between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
    still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
    mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
    variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
    skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
    whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
    that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
    answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
    transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
    Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
    thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
    those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
    care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
    in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
    therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
    customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
    disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
    their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
    anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
    to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
    shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
    distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
    British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
    of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
    inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
    foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
    you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
    the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
    deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
    disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
    rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
    cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
    both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
    become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
    time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
    not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
    the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
    employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
    irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
    John
     
  2. Steven Hone

    Steven Hone Paolo the Gun

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    Can this be moved to the PUB please or is it better here?
     
  3. dshramek

    dshramek Ancient Guru

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    Lmao...sounds like my experience with Comcast CAble in the States. I called them up to let them know my internet connection was spotty & I kept getting dropped calls on the phone line, & during the call, my phone went out completely. No internet, no phone, but Cable tv was fine. I had to go to neighbors house to use her phone to call them. Assers.
     
  4. Cold Fussion

    Cold Fussion Master Guru

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  5. Pat the Cat

    Pat the Cat Ancient Guru

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    Having been both an employee (temporary) and customer of Nortel Inversora SA (NTL) and now Virgin Media - that letter isn't half cruel enough.

    I wish I'd entered the competition now!
     
  6. Netgamer

    Netgamer Ancient Guru

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    yeah can it say Comcast? or Charter?
     
  7. SniperDaws

    SniperDaws Banned

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    so you work for Virgin media now? do you have any info on when we will have some HD channels for the V+ box?

    and regarding the complaints letter he's lucky he got to talk to somone britain i always get the pakistani lady who seems deaf as a post and is about 80 years old.

    oh and god help us Virgin media customers as we are now charged for the usless phone calls to the customer help line.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2007
  8. meatfestival92

    meatfestival92 Ancient Guru

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    I work in tech support and some of the letters and emails we get passed to us from customer services are priceless
     
  9. micketh

    micketh Ancient Guru

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    Great fun, Its well funny that letter. Down with NTL :)
     
  10. aircool

    aircool Don Aircooleone Staff Member

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    Virgin media not NTL, NTL were actually the "goodies" of the isp's in the uk.
     

  11. Steven Hone

    Steven Hone Paolo the Gun

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    Yeah when I lived in Liverpool I had an excellent connection from NTL
     
  12. scoutingwraith

    scoutingwraith Ancient Guru

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    LOL.......that letter is priceless. Thank god i have not experienced this before.
     
  13. CronoGraal

    CronoGraal Ancient Guru

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    haha lmfao

    and also

    XD!
     
  14. Food

    Food Banned

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    had a similar fight with PIPEX and i got pretty verbal when my dslam died and they refused to move me on another working one, i got the name and address of one of the tech support (level 2) and terrorized him LOL!
    i left a pack on his doorstep with written on it "this contains a bomb, die sucker"...and a few other things.

    then after they moved me to a new Dslam i cancelled and left the UK (go figure). :D
     
  15. JACK4HIRE

    JACK4HIRE Ancient Guru

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    I guess I was left wondering how that guy really felt about the situation.

    Brits are so stiff and have problems expressing their real feelings. It's very sad.
     

  16. Food

    Food Banned

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    i'm british and have absolutely no problem expressing my feelings, in fact i can get downright scary at times, however most brits definetely suffer in silence.
     
  17. JACK4HIRE

    JACK4HIRE Ancient Guru

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    I guess I need to make sure and put smiley faces on my not so obvious sarcastic posts.

    That letter was one of the most demeaning and eloquently written rants I have ever read.

    My local ISP may get a plagiarized version of that letter in the near future as they too suck balls.
     
  18. Food

    Food Banned

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    lol don't worry i know it was a sarcastic post so no harm, i was just replying.
    your isp sucks too? i think most ISP oversell their bandwidth and end up with crappy pings, poor speeds and also many hours of no internet. been there, done that.

    ISP!......GET THIS!

    [​IMG]
     
  19. MrBozack

    MrBozack Master Guru

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    Funny as hell letter, especially the cat poo part. :eek:

    ....though I must confess both NTL and Virgin have been great for me for years.
     
  20. Corrupt^

    Corrupt^ Ancient Guru

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    The letter is cool, but this part:

    ...is indeed priceless xD
     

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