My love, my everything, my girl, my soul, my spirit is slipping away on 20 January .....she died Like this post from away back this time has come that we had to say goodbye. http://forums.guru3d.com/showpost.php?p=4424354&postcount=22 As 'normal' she needed a anti biotic for her lung problem but its getting worse and on Saturday she said to me its like im drowning even when standing up. Laying down its 'normal' to feel this way if people getting liquid in and around her lungs bcoz heart failure like she has if diuretics does not the job now and then. But before all we got at the first aid after we needed to pass the general practice centre first when we where at home and phone the first office i told the front desk that they cant do nothing and all is waste of time its mentioned in the report in 2008 that we can pass all and straight to the prober first aid. But they thought differently but when we got there sure all whistles and bells ringing....first aid now!!...i said thank you for stubbornness and waste of 1 hour. We got to the nearest hospital, stubborn as they are normally as now again. Saturation of 80-82 is normal for her they give her wrong medicine that relieve breathing but increase liquid in organs even more as side effect. Even the thorax picture was readed wrong and i told that to them as well and finally they admit that they are in doubt of it. The hours after its so and so.. the next morning she ring me on and said they will sent her to her 'own' hospital that she has been for her whole life of 42 years, 100 km away dutch heart and lung specialised centre. I said i will come over and to be with you and your mother will join as well. So when i saw her and read the heart monitor i saw the blood-pressure dropped to 70over50 and think myself this is a wrong road we walk on. The paramedics arrived and again as 6 years ago refused to transport and after long talk ok we can go. Her mother in the ambulance and i drive after safely alone not with the ambulance slip stream. But when she arrived, trip went well, she goto the Coronary Care Unit but at a short stay to the IC unit and there it goes rapid downhill. In the 48 hours some bright spots but its getting worse and worse, more blood pressure increasing medicine is needed with not lasting improvement and more oxygen added needed. And on we talked to the front IC doctor what is happening as we know house of cards that has been 'stable' for years are falling due some influenza virus she got, copd or PAH or her right heart camber is falling we dont know atm. If its the influenza we hope she can concure it but i asked when i see the medicins and monitor is it realistic to say she got 10% change.....? After a deathly silence of seconds, feels like a eternal , he answers yes thats the realistic figure and what i know already is slammed in my face so hard ( i was talking to him alone thats why the i form) And tuesday evening a bright spark and the nurse specialist he said lets do something and he did all what is left and she respond to it amazing and after a while of hope.....She pull me to her and she said some final goodbye words and i talked back as well but i feld so empty of sadness i cant express but on the other hand i thought girl you can win this like you win so many battles. The nurse specialist asked her if she wanted to be refreshed up and new clothes on and she said so clearly YES and you want to be washed with me and your husband and again clear yes.. So we did but she didnt noticed i think and after a while she wanted a piece of fruit and water i fed her and look at the monitor and it was looking better then few hours ago. I said to my mother in law that i take a quick nap after 3 days of awake she stayed with her after 3 hours i jumped out of my sleep at 3 am and i felt i needed to be rushed to her. When i came on the room my eyes went straight to the monitor and i was in shock blood-pressure 42 over 30 and all hope flushed away..... I took her hand i give her a final kiss and sit down and 3 minutes the most fear straight line appear..... she died!! Now 11 days later i feel so lost im missing her so much damn this is so hard...Her belongings that came back from the hospital is still every where in the shower, her fresh clothes that where drying when this all started is still there...her last clothes still in the bag that i cant wash...all where i look in the house i see her. Why i wrote this all is that i feel the need to put it on paper... that we have to be precious in love what we got....that we miss all if its not be there any more. We be together 22 years and the last 19 years i was a caregiver which was hard at some point and days but done with love with all i had but now i missing it so much as well her love...... RIP my darling you will never be forgotten.