Funny quotes, clever insults

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by alanm, May 13, 2015.

  1. moab600

    moab600 Ancient Guru

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    Dayum.
     
  2. Fox2232

    Fox2232 Ancient Guru

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    Looking at your avatar/photo: "Now I know why some animals eat their own offspring."
     
  3. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    Gunnery Sergeant Hartman – Full Metal Jacket

    Looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!

    [​IMG]
     
  4. moab600

    moab600 Ancient Guru

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    You are the best worker we got, when u on vacation.

    I forgot to count my fingers today, but u can always rely on my middle one.
     

  5. Twiddles

    Twiddles Maha Guru

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    I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and **** out a smarter statement than that.
     
    StewieTech likes this.
  6. Hootmon

    Hootmon Maha Guru

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    How can I miss you if you won't go away?
     
  7. Fox2232

    Fox2232 Ancient Guru

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    Can you take that ugly mask off, so I can see your face?
     
  8. anticupidon

    anticupidon Ancient Guru

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    Somewhere out there, there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology- House M.D.
     
  9. The Laughing Ma

    The Laughing Ma Ancient Guru

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  10. Fox2232

    Fox2232 Ancient Guru

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    If we were to kill everyone who hates you, it would not be murder. It would be apocalypse.
     

  11. Twiddles

    Twiddles Maha Guru

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    If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
     
  12. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    Love Woody Allen. Some of his quotes:

    - I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

    - I think you're the opposite of paranoid. You go around with the insane delusion that people like you.

    - I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

    - I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said no.

    - When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

    - The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

    - I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100

    - I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

    - You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

    - If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

    - I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

    - Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
     
  13. JaxMacFL

    JaxMacFL Maha Guru

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    She thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
     
  14. StewieTech

    StewieTech Chuck Norris

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    Your mother!
     
  15. boodikon

    boodikon Ancient Guru

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    Girlfriend, drop dead - I don't do requests
     

  16. JaxMacFL

    JaxMacFL Maha Guru

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    Winston Churchill's wartime speeches and radio addresses have seen him remembered as one of the great orators of the 20th Century.

    Winston Churchill's ability to lift the spirits of the British people in times of adversity were, however, neatly balanced with a sparkling line in withering put-downs.

    Now Churchill has topped a poll of history's funniest insults with a famous jibe directed at either the socialist MP Bessie Braddock or the Conservative Lady Astor, the first female MP (depending on which version of the story you hear).

    When accused by one of them of being 'disgustingly drunk' the Conservative Prime Minister responded: 'My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.'

    It's unclear which of the two politicians Churchill directed his comment at - and there is even debate over whether he said it at all.

    Churchill quotation expert Richard Langworth claims that one of the Prime Minister's bodyguards confirmed the exchange had taken place with Bessie Braddock after the MP had said: "Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk."

    Though widely quoted many experts now believe that most of the retellings of the story are fictional.

    His second is for a put-down delivered when he received a call from the Lord Privy Seal while sat on the toilet: “Tell him I can only deal with one s**t at a time.

    IMHO, one of history's greatest Statesman.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
  17. shinyblueflame

    shinyblueflame New Member

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    If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
     
  18. JaxMacFL

    JaxMacFL Maha Guru

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  19. Clouseau

    Clouseau Ancient Guru

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    He started at rock bottom, but since then he has started to dig.

    You fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

    "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries..."

    "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!"

    "I fart in your general direction!"

    There are times when verbal ingenuity is not enough.

    The Mind's a funny thing . . . in the Summer it longs for Winter. In the Winter it longs for Summer. In the Spring . . . it heads for the Bahamas.

    History is'a made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.

    EDIT:
    Steve Martin
    • There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't
    • my writing skills improved when I started using verbs
    • I studied the greats and not so greats
    • Some poeple have a way with words, others...silence
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2017
  20. AitoreteFC

    AitoreteFC New Member

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    From Dr. Gregory House:

    Patient: "Oh wow. Oh thank God. Wow, I'm gonna be a mom. Whoa. Thank you so much, I gotta get you a gift or something."
    House: "Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again."
     

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