Funny quotes, clever insults

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by alanm, May 13, 2015.

  1. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    Ashleigh Brilliant cracks me up.. some of his quotes/insults.

    Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
    I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
    My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

    others...

    A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. - Groucho Marx
    I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

    If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? - Charles Pierce

    He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker

    Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice. - unknown
     
  2. Hootmon

    Hootmon Maha Guru

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    I have been called worse things by better people than you.
     
  3. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Ancient Guru

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    Got a match?

    [​IMG]


    Yea, my a$$, your face
     
  4. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    You have a charming wife. But tell me, how did you teach her to walk on her hind legs?

    I'm busy now, can I ignore you another time?

    So you've changed your mind? Does this one work any better?
     

  5. southamptonfc

    southamptonfc Ancient Guru

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    You fat s**t
     
  6. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    I have a feeling that was the best you could come up with :D.
     
  7. Loophole35

    Loophole35 Ancient Guru

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    I like "Yogisms" myself,

    Baseball is 90% mental the other half is physical.
    I didn't really say everything I said.
    Pair up in threes.
     
  8. TaskMaster

    TaskMaster Master Guru

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    You're a sh1te for shore eyes - Sean Connery
     
  9. ibitato

    ibitato Ancient Guru

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    There are only 2 constants in the Universe.... hydrogen and stupidity
     
  10. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Ancient Guru

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    Man who walks through airport turnstile backwards is going to Bangkok
     

  11. Twiddles

    Twiddles Maha Guru

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    By using your intelligence you can sometimes make your problems twice as complicated :D

    EDIT: And now for the insult: You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
     
  12. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Ancient Guru

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    Computers help us solve the problems we wouldn't have without computers
     
  13. Twiddles

    Twiddles Maha Guru

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    I thought you were attractive, but then you opened your mouth.
     
  14. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    Clarksonisms (Jeremy Clarkson):

    I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

    This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

    On the Enzo Ferrari : "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

    The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

    The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.
     
  15. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Ancient Guru

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    Proof that light is faster than sound, he looked intelligent until he opened his mouth
     

  16. Twiddles

    Twiddles Maha Guru

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    You have a very sympathetic face. It has everyone's sympathy.
     
  17. moab600

    moab600 Ancient Guru

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    I can see that you smart from the way you look, can u please take the trash out?
     
  18. Fox2232

    Fox2232 Ancient Guru

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    I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.
     
  19. moab600

    moab600 Ancient Guru

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    haha it wasn't to me, i actually heard it from a hipster "boss" telling it to new recruit.
     
  20. Fox2232

    Fox2232 Ancient Guru

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    I would like to insult you, but it seems you'll not get it.
     

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