Funny jokes

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by trodas, Jul 9, 2014.

  1. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    Q: What is the definition of confidence?
    A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next baby... !"
     
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  2. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.
    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

    Awake from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

    "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
    this all by yourself."

    "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
    "And what about the third rose?" she asked.

    "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
     
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  3. Undying

    Undying Ancient Guru

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    I lol'd. :D
     
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  4. MaCk0y

    MaCk0y Maha Guru

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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!
     
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  5. Airbud

    Airbud Ancient Guru

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    hahahaha!...y'all killing me! hahahah!:D
     
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  6. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
    Barman says: "No."
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No."
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating f*cking duck!"
    Duck says: "Got any nails?"
    Barman says: "No"
    Duck says: "Got any bread?
     
  7. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you - I'm gay."

    His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

    The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

    His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
     
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  8. KissSh0t

    KissSh0t Ancient Guru

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