A good damn day

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by TyrantofJustice, Aug 12, 2009.

  1. Deadman93723

    Deadman93723 Ancient Guru

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    He has a mental illness, not a disability(big difference).

    Anyways, @crazyace, are you getting SSI or SSD???
     
  2. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    It is embarrasing to discuss the full effects of my condition because on here I act and write going by my past experiences from when I was a tough ass and somewhat normal.

    I have had depression problems since age 13 and have been on and off meds since then.

    I have also been misdiagnosed alot but I have been diagnosed with the following over the past 13 years (at some points these things were accurate and some progressed into my current diagnosis)

    SAD=social anxiety disorder
    GAD=General anxiety disorder
    Major depressive disorder
    Border line schizophrenia
    Major mood swings
    Major anxiety disorder
    anxiety attacks
    paranoia disorder
    agoraphobia= fear of going out in public (crowded places or places where you are not in control of the situation) causes increased anxiety and paranoia.

    Though I can go out with my wife it is known as a (safety net) or this kid louis thati happened to meet due to the fact he lived across the hall.
    it all depends on my mood and mind state at the time as well but it makes it impossible to hold a job because a boss does not want to hear i can not come in today because i am feeling overly paranoid or having anxiety issues,I have been humiliated over this many times and fired in the same day to the point of me leaving my last full weeks paycheck behind at many jobs because i would not go back in there after being publicly put down.

    Rigth now i am diagnosed with the agoraphobia and a depression disoreder that i can not spell along with major anxiety and paranoia.

    So i sit in the house almost 24/7 have no friends except ones from the past that live in newyork which is 900 miles or so away and I have my friends online.

    I 98 percent of the time will not answer my phone or take phone calls because the interaction makes me nervous.

    I was showing symptoms of this before my drug days but after getting clean the symptoms escalated through the roof and at a rate as to which i felt i was loosing my mind.

    Now I am very intelligent,well mannered and at times outgoing and I do love to go out when the wife has time and if we can get a sitter for the kids,but if i start feeling weird we leave and come home.

    By no means is it fun sitting in the house all day especially when you still have a man's pride and feel you should be out working and making the money in the house.

    Sitting home playing video games all day and watching the kids is fun and a privilage but after 6 months it was dead boring and now it hs been almost 4 staright years.

    I miss having friends and laughing and joking around but I can not get out to meet people and online lacks that connection of having real buddies.

    The meds I am on do help but not to a degree that it is really any better and would probably help more if I could afford counceling and have someone to talk to about old issues and current issues,I have alot of unfinished business in my mind from the past that needs closure or at least needs to be discused with a professional that has an unbiased opinion and does not just comfort me or tell me what i want to hear.

    My ultimate goal is to one day hopefully sooner than later be able to find that one of these underlying issues is subconciously making me feel these symptoms and if I settle it it may go away.

    Now I know the drugs burnt my seratonine receptors (the chemical in your brain that lets you feel happy or pleasure) and that will never fully repair itself but no meds that increse the seratonne levels help me as i have been on all of them at one time or another.

    Now befiore one of you says than I should not have had children to support,I had 2 of my kids well 3 before these symptoms escalated and I was working parttime and at one time full time but then these issues would come in to play and i would get fired.

    I even worked after they demmed me unemployable 6 years ago because I would not accept the fact that it was the case.
     
  3. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    SSI I do not have enough work credits for SSD.
     
  4. Deadman93723

    Deadman93723 Ancient Guru

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    Ah, OK, I'm on SSD with Medicare. So, I hope Obama's health plan fails...lol.
     

  5. Iggyblack

    Iggyblack Ancient Guru

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    congrats, hope things keep getting better for you!
     
  6. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    If I can get these foosstamps while the wife is unemployed until she finishes school in 8 months that would be the only way that this is actually bringing in money.

    Once she gets her job and earns more than 3100 a month they cut me off
     
  7. pimp_gimp

    pimp_gimp Ancient Guru

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    They'll cut you off and then in the future if ever need it again it is pretty easy to get it back in my experience, as I've just had to do the same thing, because I quit my job and am returning to school and during this time they cut me off (because of my job), said I made too much ($10/hr isn't much), blah, blah, cut my medicaid a few times too, cut my disability services, etc and since I can't drive it made things quite hard for few months, outside of riding public transit to work, I had to figure out ways to get groceries, and a few bills payed that I couldn't over the internet.
     
  8. MrDaniel

    MrDaniel Member Guru

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    Would your families income be higher after your wife gets a job as a nurse even though you won't get the SSI? If so then although you may not be bringing as much to the table yourself to to speak you will still be better off. Only your pride will be damaged.

    Also I hope that you can overcome or at least reduce your illness in the future. From your posts you seem like a nice person. There was 1 thing I was wondering though. Is there any way you could work from home? I'm only 15 and as such I really don't know much at all about the world of work. It seems that if you could get a job of this sort it would be a good idea though.

    Once again congratulations though and good luck for the future.
     
  9. Year

    Year Ancient Guru

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    don't be too happy, you never know.

    but then again i'm born pessimistic. :wanker:
     
  10. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    I may be able to work from home yes,If i can find something to do here from home,It would need to be flexible as I have my 4 year olld and 15 month old here all day and they require alot of attention.

    I mean yeah I could put an ad up again like I did awhile back to repair comps from home and see how that goes but I would need to discuss it with the case worker first.
     

  11. MrDaniel

    MrDaniel Member Guru

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    If you could work from home that would be great for you. It'd mean you could be with your kids and earn money at the same time.

    The only thing is that if you were self employed repairing computers your income would be likely to change quite a lot as some weeks you might get lots of customers and other you might get very few.

    If however you can get a good reputation for repairing computers for people I think that you would get a lot of advertising from people recommending you to each other. Also it'd be a good job for any guru.
     
  12. blinx

    blinx Maha Guru

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    I have the same symptoms you do an then some I been caged at home for nearly 10 years no life outside of my room an from my experience being locked at home made things worse the longer you keep yourself from socializing outside of your home the more severe the symptoms get it really does wear people down even more mentally being traped indoors you should take up outdoor activities it really can't be that bad can it?.

    I mean sure you'll get extremely anxious/nervous to the point of wanting to run away but you'll see after forcing yourself to be outdoors interacting with random strangers as much as possible and work on feeling comfortable being around large crowds reguardless of the akwardness you'll start to feel acceptance an learn to ignore what people may think just take it in stride and realise people deal with bad situations everyday an is just part of life an not take it personal.

    I have severe medical conditions not just mental that force me to live like this.. all medical conditions aside I would be outdoors all the time an just deal with the nervousness/akwardness/humiliation/anxiety facing your fears is the key to conquering them imo.. anyhow congrats on being approved so SSI should come in handy.
     
  13. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    that is exactly the issue, it is never a realiable amount of money so it makes calcualting a budget for bills and such impossible.
     
  14. lIqUI[]

    lIqUI[] Ancient Guru

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    I kid you not I have nearly every one of those symptoms you listed. Maybe not to the degree you do, but I got them.
     
  15. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    Well for the last few months I have gone out with the wife wherevr she may go just to get out and be around ppl.

    If I get all weirded out I go sit in the car and wait for her,but I have been trying hard to just stay in the situation and deal with it.

    I am under the impression (from years of self analyzing) that my distrust of people started back wehn I was young and some bad things happened to me and my family did nothibng except cover it up so to speak.

    Then I got jumped by all the neighborhood kids from age 5 till age 15 on a daily basis when all I tried to do was fit in and make friends/from age 12-14 I stayed in the house with a friend from school that would be over everyday or me at his house.

    When I reemerged at 15 I was no longer the Fat kid and the 2 older kids (about 3-5 years older) did not mess with me as much or have the rst of the group kick my ass.

    The one time the one older kid got in my face I hit em and he backed off and congradulated me (huge relief and major image booster on my part)

    All the crew was smoking weed and drinking and I refused so I was still put off.

    Finally the other older kid convinced me to smoke weed and right from there I was selling it and of course then everyone was around me 24/7, some of the friendships were real as hell and those were with the ppl where there was the most tension between us.

    I just started talking to one of the older bullies about 2 weeks ago on a social site cause I was good friends with his older and younger brothers,now me and him joke and he again appologized.

    The other ******* somehow got related to me through someone in his fam marrying someone in mine but was still a huge piss and is till this day a loser.

    Other issues like me trusting woman i think stem from my mom dating a married man for my whole childhood and early teen years and I hated him.

    that and my 2 real loves both betrayed me with so called best friends of mine.

    My paranoia is from that and from the fact that i spent alot of time as a child at my fathers,He was a good man but a drunk (never violent) just slept all the time,He lived with his GF which is the woman that he cheated on my mother with.

    Me and him would play outsie alot but he would over the day get more and more drunk and a few times he left me wherever we were and went home and passed out and I had no idea how to get home.

    We used to play cap guins at night in the trails and he would be ducking behind bushes and telling me to watch fro choppers,I thought it all a game until I found out about Vietnam and his PTSD.

    He accidentally killed 2 children and they haunted his dreams and so he drank himsekf to death out of guilt,he would cry about hurting them all the time.

    For years I was told by his famly that he drinks because my mom left him and because I am a bad son,My father loved me and died with a baby pic of me and a smile on his face.

    On my moms side my grandparents always told me i was crap and why could i not do as good as my cousins(who all had healthy homes) that took a toll on me.

    Grandpa used to kick my ass for no good reason and grandma would defend him and I would be there 5 days a week after school until 10 pm when my mom got off of work.

    Now my grandpa is the nicest guy and helps me all he can,my mom is best friends with my dads ex,the family now denied the thing that happened to me that they originally swept under the rug,and my mother denied things she has done as well when i know it all to be true but they try to make me think i made it up.

    That is my theory in a nutshell.
     

  16. Dustpuppy

    Dustpuppy Ancient Guru

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    Gah I typed out a long response & lost it. Anyway short synopsis

    -> goals help you stop thinking about past mistakes

    -> Read the childrens story "the elephant and the stake".

    -> google search for "learned behavior" if you want to start understanding what's going on. It's not the whole story but it's where a narrative can start.

    -> "pure and undefiled religion before God is to comfort widows and orphans in their suffering", don't know which verse this is but it's always stuck with me. Charitable work can help if you got time but not money. If you want religion, finding a good charity is a good way to find a good church, don't look for a good church then a good charity. But that's just my 2 cents, I'm not in regular attendance anywhere right now nor am I working for a charity. You may find people who can help you if you work for a charity as well.

    One thing about churches though, "psycho"therapists often circle them like vultures. Careful of anyone who wants your money instead of your time.
     
  17. TyrantofJustice

    TyrantofJustice Ancient Guru

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    Ty Dustpuppy I will see if I can find it and give it a read,The quotes were really good as well.

    I hate N/A-AA organizations but when I was forced in rehab by law enforcement the one slogan that stuck with me is "Fake it till you make it"

    Meaning just stick around and act as a memeber,follow routines until you form a better pattern in living and that helped me get clean,The rest of this **** is the left overs meaning the issues I was masking by getting high now reemerging at random times and causing chaos in my mind.

    I am and always have been very analytical maybe at times to an over extent to where it takes me into paranoia mode hence back when I was cracking my wifes work laptop and getting insane about odd cookies (glad that is over)

    Who would have knew that using drugs and then getting clean would be such a long process,Sometimes I thik for a split second that it would have been easier to stay high but that is no real answer so I dismiss it right away.

    If I stayed the route I was on I would not have 4 beautiful children and a wife that has held on for one heck of a bumpy ride and so far even though she shows it is very taxing she still holds on.

    Oh on a side note.....Fo all you that think this is a sympathy outreach,It is not at all as your sympathy will do nothing for me except piss me off.

    Now I respect all that have PM'ed me with congrats and all who have wished me good will and my family,And I resepct the one man on here that PM'ed me awhile back and called me on some BS.

    If I wanted to hear someone playcate my feelings all day I would seek out a easy going shrink.

    Here I get the opinions I need...real feed back whether supportive or not.

    Thanks again to all

    And I wish your families and you the best.

    Any more feed back is welcome.
     

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