****the Official Jokes Page*****

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by Mark, Aug 23, 2004.

  1. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

    Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

    The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

    "Yes granddaughter, it's me."

    "It's really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.

    "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

    The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

    "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

    The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

    "Anything, my child."

    "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
     
  2. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.

    The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it."

    The first doctor asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?"

    The second medic answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"
     
  3. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.

    The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"

    St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."

    The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"

    St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."

    Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.

    St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."

    The old man says, "What are the green fees?"

    St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."

    The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.

    The old man says, "How many calories?"

    St. Peter says, "None. After all, this is heaven."

    The old man gets a look on his face like he suddenly understands what heaven is all about.

    Then the old man suddenly turns and slaps the old woman, yelling, "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and take exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"
     
  4. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    nice jokes there
     

  5. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.

    Doctor: What was your dream about?

    Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!

    Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

    Santa: I was running in a hall way.

    Doctor: Then what happened?

    Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

    Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

    Santa: Yes it did.

    Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

    Santa: It said "Pull"
     
  6. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?

    So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.

    The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.

    Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"

    So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.

    Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"

    The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
     
  7. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

    The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window.

    "Could I have some food?" he asks.

    The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

    "Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

    "No!" she says again.

    "Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

    "No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

    The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

    "What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.

    "Might I please have a word with George?"
     
  8. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

    The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

    The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

    Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

    The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

    On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

    The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

    Santa says, "Oh sure."

    The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

    Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."

    The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"

    Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"
     
  9. MrRand0m

    MrRand0m Ancient Guru

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    Q. Whats got two legs and bleeds a lot?


    A. Half a cat!
     
  10. MrRand0m

    MrRand0m Ancient Guru

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    Eight Words with two Meanings



    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
     

  11. Luis_GT

    Luis_GT Guest

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    One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and
    gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
    He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your
    girdle."
    The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched
    her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
    The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up
    we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your
    bother!"
     
  12. Luis_GT

    Luis_GT Guest

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    RECTUM STRETCHER
    > > While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
    > >limit),
    > > a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
    > > other side lying in wait.
    > >
    > > The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
    > > patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To
    > > which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
    > > "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
    > >
    > > The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
    > > rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one
    > >finger,
    > > then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
    > > whole hand in. I work ! from side to side until I can get both hands in,
    > > and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
    > >
    > > "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked.
    > >
    > > "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
    > >
    > > Traffic Ticket : $95.00
    > > Court Costs : $45.00
    > > The Look on Cop's Face : PRICELESS
     
  13. Kyaner

    Kyaner Hellenic Guru

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    Ok this one was sent to me via e-mail in Greek so i'll do my best to translate it as good as possible.

    A married woman's letter to a PC mag's troubleshooting column.

    Dear PC-Solutions

    Last year i upgraded from Fiancé 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and the later program has started developing some unexpected changes to the operating system, like limited/restricted access to the Flowers&Jewlery applications, which used to work flawlessly under Fiancée 5.0
    Also Husband 1.0 uninstalled lots of valuable programs like Romantic Walk 9.9 and in place installed unwanted popups like Champions League 5.0 and Sunday night football 8.0.
    The Discussion 1.3 refuses to run anymore and the Cleaning 3.8 causes constant crashes and random reboots, i tried running Nagging 5.3 GOLD edition but to no avail....

    A desperate wife.


    THE REPLY

    Dear Desperate wife

    You have to keep in mind that Fiancée 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system, with certain demands from the end user.
    Try running the C:/I_thought_you_loved me.exe command and install Tears 6.2
    If done correctly then Husband 1.0 will automatically start the Guilt 1.3 and Flowers 7.0 in random succession.
    WARNING abuse of the above stated options can cause the random appearance of the Awkward Silence 5.3 screen saver and Beer 6.1 (Beer 6.1 may cause the random reproduction of WAV files, such as snooring.wav which can only be stopped via hard reset).
    DO NOT i repeat DO NOT install Mother in law 1.0 and don't even think about running the help files from Lover 5.0 or Boyfriend 3.8 as they are completely incompatible with Husband 1.0 and will most definitely cause a catastrophic system failure.

    In summation Husband 1.0 is an excellent operating system, while having a very small memory buffer which requires some time to get accustomed to new programs.
    Think about purchasing further add-on programs which might tweak its operation significantly.
    We recommend Hot food 3.0 with the autoupdate option enabled, Sexy Underwear 4.5 and Create ONE HOT BODY 10.1 with the run at boot command enabled.

    Kind regards
    The admin.
     
  14. llerenaprincipe

    llerenaprincipe Ancient Guru

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    hey dad what does exaggerate means?
    i've told you a thousand time that i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  15. death__machine

    death__machine Master Guru

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    Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive

    I will not carve gods.
    I will not spank others.
    I will not aim for the head.
    I will not barf unless I'm sick
    I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
    I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
    I will not conduct my own fire drills.
    Funny noises are not funny.
    I will not snap bras.
    I will not fake seizures.
    This punishment is not boring and pointless.
    My name is not Dr. Death.
    I will not defame New Orleans.
    I will not prescribe medication.
    I will not bury the new kid.
    I will not teach others to fly.
    I will not bring sheep to class.
    A burp is not an answer.
    Teacher is not a leper.
    Coffee is not for kids.
    I will not eat things for money.
    I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
    The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
    I will not call the principal "spud head".
    Goldfish don't bounce.
    Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
    No one is interested in my underpants.
    I will not sell miracle cures.
    I will return the seeing-eye dog.
    I do not have diplomatic immunity.
    I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
    I will never win an emmy.
    The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
    All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
    I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
    I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
    My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
    I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
    I am not deliciously saucy.
    Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
    The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
    I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
    There are plenty of businesses like show business.
    Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
    I will not waste chalk.
    I will not skateboard in the halls.
    I will not instigate revolution.
    I will not draw naked ladies in class.
    I did not see Elvis.
    I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
    Garlic gum is not funny.
    They are laughing at me, not with me.
    I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
    I will not encourage others to fly.
    I will not fake my way through life.
    Tar is not a plaything.
    I will not Xerox my butt.
    It's potato, not potatoe.
    I will not trade pants with others.
    I am not a 32 year old woman.
    I will not do that thing with my tongue.
    I will not drive the principal's car.
    I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
    I will not sell school property.
    I will not burp in class.
    I will not cut corners.
    I will not get very far with this attitude.
    I will not belch the National Anthem.
    I will not sell land in Florida.
    I will not grease the monkey bars.
    I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
    I will not do anything bad ever again.
    I will not show off.
    I will not sleep through my education.
    I am not a dentist.
    Spitwads are not free speech.
    Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
    High explosives and school don't mix.
    I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
    I will not squeak chalk.
    I will finish what I sta
    "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
    Underwear should be worn on the inside.
    The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
    I will not torment the emotionally frail.
     

  16. death__machine

    death__machine Master Guru

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    wister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)

    Greek grapes.

    Red lorry, yellow lorry.

    Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

    Unique New York.

    Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.

    Freshly-fried flying fish.

    The epitome of femininity.

    A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
    but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

    She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicing him hiccupping,
    and amicably welcoming him home.

    Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
    imagining managing an imaginary menagerie.

    Common Twisters:

    She sells seashells by the seashore.
    The shells she sells are surely seashells.
    So if she sells shells on the seashore,
    I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

    Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
    Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
    If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,
    Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
    If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
    He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
    And chuck as much as a woodchuck would
    If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

    Tongue Twister Poems:

    Mr. See owned a saw.
    And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
    Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
    Before Soar saw See,
    Which made Soar sore.
    Had Soar seen See's saw
    Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
    See's saw would not have sawed
    Soar's seesaw.
    So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
    But it was sad to see Soar so sore
    just because See's saw sawed
    Soar's seesaw.

    Betty Botter had some butter,
    "But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
    If I bake this bitter butter,
    It would make my batter bitter.
    But a bit of better butter,
    That would make my batter better."
    So she bought a bit of butter -
    Better than her bitter butter -
    And she baked it in her batter;
    And the batter was not bitter.
    So 'twas better Betty Botter
    Bought a bit of better butter.

    Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
    So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
    Some say Nott was not shot.
    But Shott says he shot Nott.
    Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot,
    Or Nott was shot.
    If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
    But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott,
    Then Shott was shot, not Nott.
    However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Nott.

    A tree-toad loved a she-toad
    Who lived up in a tree.
    He was a two-toed tree-toad,
    But a three-toed toad was she.
    The two-toed tree-toad tried to win
    The three-toed she-toad's heart,
    For the two-toed tree-toad loved the ground
    That the three-toed tree-toad trod.
    But the two-toed tree-toad tried in vain;
    He couldn't please her whim.
    From her tree-toad bower,
    With her three-toad power,
    The she-toad vetoed him.

    Raunchy Twisters:

    I'm not a smart feller,
    I'm a smart feller's son
    And I'll keep felling smarts
    'Till the smart feller comes.

    I'm not a fog ducker,
    I'm a fog ducker's son
    And I'll keep ducking fogs
    'Till the fog ducker comes.

    I am not the fig plucker,
    I'm a fig plucker's son.
    And I'll keep plucking figs
    'Till the fig plucker comes.

    I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
    and on the slitted sheet I sit.
     
  17. death__machine

    death__machine Master Guru

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    The Laws of Cartoon Motion

    Itchy and Scratchy

    "I KNOW this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law!"
    -Bugs Bunny, High Diving Hare (1949)

    1. ANY BODY SUSPENDED IN SPACE WILL REMAIN SUSPENDED IN SPACE UNTIL MADE AWARE OF ITS SITUATION.
    Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters flippantly until he chances to look down. At this point the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes precedence.

    2. ANY BODY IN MOTION WILL TEND TO REMAIN IN MOTION UNTIL SOLID MATTER INTERVENES SUDDENLY.
    Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their foward motion absolutley. Sir Issac Newton called this sudden termination the stooge's surcease.

    3. ANY BODY PASSING THROUGH SOLID MATTER WILL LEAVE A PERFORATION CONFORMING TO ITS PERIMETER.
    Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house.

    4. THE TIME REQUIRED FOR AN OBJECT TO FALL 20 STORIES IS GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THE TIME IT TAKES FOR WHOEVER KNOCKED IT OFF THE LEDGE TO SPIRAL DOWN 20 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE IT UNBROKEN.
    Such an object is inevitably priceless; the attempt to catch it, inevitably unsuccessful.

    5. ALL PRINCIPILES OF GRAVITY ARE NEGATED BY FEAR.
    Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them away from the surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a running character or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, ergo fleeing turns to flight.

    6. AS SPEED INCREASES OBJECTS CAN BE SEEN IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES AT ONCE.
    This is particularly true in tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be seen emerging from a cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled, and simulates our own vision's trailing retention of images. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at maniac-high speeds and may richocet off the walls to achieve the velocity required for self-mass-liberation.

    7. CERTAIN BODIES CAN PASS THROUGH A SOLID WALL PAINTED TO RESEMBLE A TUNNEL ENTRANCE, OTHERS CANNOT.
    This tompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to pursue into the painting. This is utlimately a problem of art, not science.

    8. NECESSITY PLUS WILL PROVOKES SPONTANEOUS GENERATION.
    Dangerously palpable objects - such as mallets, dynamite, pies and alluring female attire - can be manifested from what might previously have been considered "thin" air, but only when the friction of immediate jeopardy makes the object's apperance imperative. The controversial "pocket" theory suggests these objects are drawn from unseen recesses of a character's costume, or from a storehouse immediately off-screen, but this merely defers the question of how any absolutely apt object is instantaneously available.

    9. ANY VIOLENT REARRANGEMENT OF FELINE MATTER IS IMPERMANENT.
    Cartoon cats possess more deaths than even the traditional nine lives afford. They can be sliced, splayed, accordion-pleated or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self-pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back or solidify.

    10. FOR EVERY VENGEANCE, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REVENGEANCE.
    This is one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
     
  18. death__machine

    death__machine Master Guru

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    New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

    I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
    I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
    I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
    I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
    I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
    I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
    I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
    to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
    When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
    When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
    I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
    I will think of a password other than "password."
    I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
    I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
    I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
     
  19. death__machine

    death__machine Master Guru

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    An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

    He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

    The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

    The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

    The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

    The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
    By the way, where is your restroom?"

    The bartender quickly replies -,
    "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
     
  20. death__machine

    death__machine Master Guru

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    A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

    The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
    The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

    The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
    The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

    Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
    The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

    "I haven't got any money!"
     

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