****the Official Jokes Page*****

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by Mark, Aug 23, 2004.

  1. MrRand0m

    MrRand0m Ancient Guru

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    Confusious say... Philosiphy is like backed up toilet... full of SH1T!
     
  2. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    one day a boy saw 2 pigs were having sex with other and he asked his father "father what are the pigs doin!!". the father replied " they are playing son".
    the boy said " I THAUGHT THEY WERE ****IN EACH OTHER"
     
  3. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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  4. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    FORGOT TO ATTACH...
     

  5. yojimborobert

    yojimborobert Master Guru

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    so there's a beer convention in germany for octoberfest, and all the major competitors are there. After the convention, the presidents of various beer companies decide to go out for a drink. The President of Corona says "I want the best beer in the world, a corona," so the bartender brings him a corona. The President of Budweiser says "I want the best beer in the world, the king of beers; Budweiser," so the bartender brings him a budweiser. The President of Coors says "I want the best beer in the world, the only one made with rocky mountain spring water; Coors," so the bartender brings him a Coors. Then the President of Guiness says "I'll have a coke." This shocked the other men, and they all said "why aren't you going to have a Guinness?" The man replied "Well, I thought it would be rude for me to order a BEER when nobody else is having one!"
     
  6. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    FALLEN ANGEL'S JOKE WAS THE BEST
     
  7. vidra

    vidra Ancient Guru

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    One Aussie bloke sees another one walking down the street carying two sheep (baaa!) under his arms and says:

    - G'day mate. You shearin' those sheep?

    and the other one replies:

    - Nah, mate. I'm f***kin' them both
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2005
  8. yttocs1966

    yttocs1966 Master Guru

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  9. Dojomann

    Dojomann Ancient Guru

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    haha an oldie but still funny!
     
  10. Mark

    Mark Guest

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    i know its a lame joke but it still makes me cry with laughter. Just like this one

    What do u call a Fly with no wings? A Walk
     

  11. Arsi

    Arsi Member Guru

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    I got one, its kinda lame but alright. Here goes

    Three chinese brothers: Bu, Chu & Fu decide to move to USA and want to Americanize their names so they would be more welcomed in the country. Bu changed his name to Buck
    Chu changed his name to Chuck and Fu decided to go back to China.
     
  12. MrRand0m

    MrRand0m Ancient Guru

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    LOL!!!! now thats a good one ;)
     
  13. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

    Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

    The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

    This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

    Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

    Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

    Replied the other, "Santa."

    A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

    Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

    A cop stops his patrol car when he sees Banta and his girlfriend sitting on the curb. Banta is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his butt, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

    The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"

    The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

    The cop says, "That's not going to make him puke."

    She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."



    Santa enters a store that sell curtains.

    He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

    The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

    Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

    The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

    Santa replies, "Fifteen inches."

    "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

    Santa tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

    The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"

    Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"



    Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.

    "Greetings! How is it going?" says Santa.

    "Wonderful!" says Banta, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"

    He points at a palm tree and says, "What is that?"

    The natives, in unison, say, "Umbalo-gong!"

    He then points at a rock and says, "And that?"

    The natives again intone, "Umbalo-gong!"

    "You see!", says the beaming Banta, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"

    "That is truly amazing!" says the astonished Santa, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"


    Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

    "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

    He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

    Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

    Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!"


    Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

    "Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

    "No !" his weeping wife replied.

    "Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

    "No !!!" she said even more upset.

    "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

    "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.


    Santa is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Santa is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Santa was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

    Santa is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

    "Hey! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

    Santa is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.

    Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

    The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."


    Banta wanted to get his beautiful wife, Preeto, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

    He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

    Preeto was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

    The next day Preeto went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was Banta on the other end.

    "Hi Preeto," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

    Preeto replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

    "What's that, sweetie?" asked Banta.

    "How did you know I was at Sukhna Lake?"
     
  14. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Santa walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."

    He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.

    Bartender says to Santa, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"

    Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"

    The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"

    Santa replied, "Well today's the last day!"


    A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.

    Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"

    Santa and Banta say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

    The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.

    Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was...I need to know how high it is!


    At night someone knocks on the door. Jeeto wakes up and asks:

    "Santa, is that you?"

    Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock.

    "Santa, don't make me nervous, is that you?"

    Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the door to find her drunken husband, Santa, standing there.

    "You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren't you answering???"

    "I was nodding you!!!"


    Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.

    His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."

    "Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised.

    They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.

    Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police.

    They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"

    "Well," Banta explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"


    Santa and Banta sitting in the bar at Raja Sansi Airport, Amritsar.

    "I've come to meet my brother," said the Santa. "He's due to fly in from Canada in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years."

    "Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the Banta.

    "I'm sure I won't," said Santa, "after all, he's been away for a long time."

    "I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the Banta.

    "Of course he will," said Santa. "Sure, I haven't been away at all."


    Santa's father comes home from his doctor and, though usually quite active with his grand-children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day.

    Santa notices his dad avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.

    Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to Santa.

    His father said, "Read that label. That's why!"

    Santa takes the bottle and reads, "Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."


    "I'm scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

    "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

    "Easy for you to say."

    "You like her that much?" the friend asks.

    "It's not that," declared Banta. "He didn't sign his name!"


    Banta goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

    The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

    Banta comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

    The vet says, "What happened?"

    Banta says, "The horse blew first."


    Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis. They spotted our Santa leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace.

    The two students introduced themselves to Santa and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

    One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?"

    Santa replies, "Well boys, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"


    Pappu, Santa's son, accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

    "Hey Pappu!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

    "That's mighty nice of you," Pappu answered, "but I don't think my father would like me to."

    "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

    "Well okay," he finally agreed, and added, "But my father won't like it."

    After a hearty lunch, Pappu thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know dad is going to be real upset."

    "Don't be foolish !" the farmer said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

    "Under the wagon."


    Santa was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

    "What can I do for you?" Santa politely asked. "You selling something?"

    "No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker," the man replied.

    "A what?" Santa asked, more confused than ever.

    "A Census Taker," he explained. "We're trying to find out how many people are in the India."

    "Well, you're wasting your time here," Santa answered finally. "I have no idea."


    Santa wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Wednesday.

    When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife, Jeeto, in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his bag and stormed out; he met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing a suit for divorce in the morning.

    "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you do any thing." the older women pleaded.

    Reluctantly, he agreed. An hour later, his mother-in-law phoned Santa at his office.

    "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," a note of truimph in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"


    Santa and Banta went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Banta wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

    "No thanks," said Santa. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

    "I'll have black coffee too," Banta said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

    The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

    "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"


    Santa got a part time job at the Chandigarh Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail.

    Santa separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Santa at the end of his first day.

    "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."

    "Thank you, Sir" said Santa, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

    "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"

    Santa replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."


    It was a really hot day at the office. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
    All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.
    One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
    Santa from the distant corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."


    Santa was walking through Rose Garden in Chandigarh and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said Santa to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
    So he walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
    "Fishing, sir."
    "Fishing, well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
    The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of Scotch, snacks and a fine cigar.
    Santa felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
    The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"


    Santa and Banta were enjoying a few drinks down at the local bar, when Santa said to Banta, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
    "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
    "Well," said Santa, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
    "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied Banta.
    "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired Santa, "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
    "Well," replied Banta, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"


    Banta sets up Santa to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
    "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
    "Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
    So that night, Santa knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
    He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaaaaaaauuugguuughhh!"


    Santa happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story.
    The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
    When Santa's turn came after many attempts by others. Santa's story was of just one sentence which read "Oh god, my wife is going to deliver a child".
    Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the american whether it contained all the four ingredients! American replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
    Oh god: religion.
    My wife: sex.
    Going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
    "Okay.... but where is the mystery?" asked one of the organizers.
    Santa replied: who is the father? He was the winner for writing the shortest story!
     
  15. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Preeto fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
    But one day the dentist said sadly, "Preeto, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
    "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been seeing each other for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
    "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"


    A traffic Policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
    She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
    As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."


    Banta goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
    "Sir," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife, Preeto, needs me to help with the top floor and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
    "We're short-handed, Banta," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
    "Thanks, Sir," says Banta, "I knew I could count on you!"


    As the crowded elevator descended, Banta's wife, Preeto, became increasingly furious with Banta, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous girl.
    As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the girl suddenly whirled, slapped Banta, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
    Bewildered, Banta was halfway to the parking lot with Preeto when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
    "Of course you didn't," said Preeto, consolingly, "I did."


    Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Santa says.
    "Thought...?" Banta asks. "What do you mean?"
    "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Santa says.
    "Wasn't that love?" Banta asks.
    "No, that was obsession," Santa explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
    "Wasn't that love?" asks Banta.
    "No, that was lust," Santa replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
    "Well, wasn't that love," asks Banta.
    "No. That was motion sickness!" Santa replies.


    The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
    The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
    The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
    The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, "Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?"
    The safe cracker replied, "Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!"


    Banta was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Smack! The rooster disappeared under the car and up floated a cloud of feathers.
    Shaken, Banta pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.
    Banta, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."
    "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."


    Santa is sitting at the coffee shop, staring morosely into his coffee.
    Banta walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Santa what the problem is.
    "Well," said Santa, "I ran afoul of one of those questions my wife asks. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
    "What kind of question?" asked Banta.
    "My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Banta. "You just say 'Of course I will!"
    "Yeah," said Santa, "that's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO.'"


    A man is driving down a country road, when he spots Santa standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
    He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
    The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santa and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
    Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
    "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
    "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


    Santa was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground, the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute.
    Santa jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now, Santa didn't take any notice and kept falling.
    He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close, but Santa just ignored him and kept falling.
    He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord, Santa still ignored him.
    He got down to 10 feet, the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you'll be killed if you don't pull the cord now.
    Santa replied, "Thats ok. I can jump from here!!"


    A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed women and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.
    "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.
    The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window.
    "This is a sad case," said the doctor.
    The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing, "Santa," she repeated over and over. "Oh, Santa!"
    "She was to marry a man named Santa," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day Santa ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."
    They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "Santa! Santa!"
    "Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Santa also."
    "No," answered the doctor. "She's the one that got him!"



    EDIT: As you may have noticed, acidvirus. I have deleted 35 of your posts. And you wonder why? Cause havin THIRTYFIVE posts in a row in the jokes-thread is NOT ok. Next time - edit your post. Though.. As this is about the 10th time I tell you this, maybe you don't know how.

    See the EDIT besides the QUOTE? Push that one!

    Next time I see something like this - I will not be as nice. I won't move the posts into an older one. I'll just delete them, even if they contain the answer to why we exist!

    - Icebird
     

  16. thepure907

    thepure907 Master Guru

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    .. thats just wrong

    EBIT: Meant for an earlier joke but acid posted like 3 more times my bad
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2005
  17. Gilbo

    Gilbo Ancient Guru

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    There once was this elderly woman of 74 years who had a good pharmacist friend. She had various ailments and the pharmacist would prescribe her most anything she needed to feel better. Well, one day the pharmacist decided to retire, much to the chagrin the elderly lady.

    Two weeks later she needed her perscriptions filled so she went to her pharmacy and met the new pharmacist. She asked for her pills and the man ran down the list, but was suprised to see a perscription for birth contol pills toward the bottom.

    He asked her if she realized that she was being given birth control medicine, to which she replied, "Yes, I know. They help me sleep."

    Puzzled, the doctor said to her, "You know there's nothing in these pills that will make you tired."

    "I know." She answered. "I grind up one with dinner every night and put in my 16 year old grandaughter's drink. Now I don't have any problems sleeping at night anymore."




    I know it's cheesy, but I heard it out of an ~80 year old man at work the other night. I guess it just comes off funnier when you hear it out of an old guy's mouth.
     
  18. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

    The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

    The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

    Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

    The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

    On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

    The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

    Santa says, "Oh sure."
     
  19. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

    "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

    The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

    "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

    "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

    The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

    "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

    "The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
     
  20. acidvirus

    acidvirus Active Member

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    The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

    The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"

    The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "

    "You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

    The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

    "Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "

    "You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

    The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
     

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