Y'all got any good insulting roast/jokes?

Discussion in 'The Guru's Pub' started by airbud7, Aug 26, 2016.

  1. airbud7

    airbud7 Guest

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    Dude at work is a real smartass and I need some good ammo for monday :D

    I found a few on the net but I need more :)

    1- Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bull**** around your lips.

    2- If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

    Help a guru out please/....:banana:


    Edit: all insults will be greatly appreciated! :D
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2016
  2. Extraordinary

    Extraordinary Guest

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    Q:What's the difference between your mother and a pitbull (Or whatever ugly animal you choose here)?

    A:Lipstick
     
  3. Hootmon

    Hootmon Guest

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    If I had a face like yours, I would shave my ass and walk backwards.

    I would like to insult you, but I'm afraid that I wouldn't do as well as Nature did.

    I don't hate you, but I'm not exactly excited about your existence either.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2016
  4. Got a couple jokes.

    Q1: How are you and a coconut similar?
    A1: Thickheaded.

    2: Tell them to say "Milk Milk Milk ..." really fast, then ask them after 10 seconds or so
    Q2: What do cows drink?
    A2: Water (but you want them to say milk for a laugh :D)
     

  5. alanm

    alanm Ancient Guru

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    God face palmed when you were born.
     
  6. Twiddles

    Twiddles Maha Guru

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    Nature ****ed up and you're the result. *inb4 bleach jokes
     
  7. IceVip

    IceVip Master Guru

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    Your pc is so sh1t you won't even see the tire smoke I'm leaving for you.
    (was playing dirt3 once with a friend)
     
  8. F1refly

    F1refly Ancient Guru

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    usually with smartasses, I found if I ignore them or don't speak I won't have to hear their crap.
     
  9. Bleib

    Bleib Guest

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    Hitchens commenting on the late Jerry Falwell:

    "If you gave Falwell an enema he could be burried in a matchbox."

    this is probably the best way to tell that someone is full of ****.
     
  10. MikeG

    MikeG Master Guru

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    To say to an old guy if he happens to be skinny:

    "How old is this guy, like 90? He looks like a stick wrapped in wax paper. When he cums does dust come out?"

    It was used on Hugh Hefner to poke fun at him on his televised roast.
     

  11. Clawedge

    Clawedge Guest

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    you are so pathetic, no one emails you. you send yourself emails just to feel good, you fat B!TCH!
     
  12. lucidus

    lucidus Ancient Guru

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    Brand him ... you know how it goes lol. Low Energy, little guy, lyin' :p
     
  13. CrazY_Milojko

    CrazY_Milojko Ancient Guru

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    You are full of smart thoughts same as sh*t is full with vitamins
     
  14. Arctucas

    Arctucas Guest

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    You may not be good, but you sure are slow.

    When you were born, the doctor slapped your mama.

    Once, you had a clue. But it died of loneliness.
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2016
  15. sverek

    sverek Guest

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    Insult will backfire, if you have any respect left for yourself: ignorance is bliss.

    Smartass will get what he deserved, dont lower yourself.
     

  16. sverek

    sverek Guest

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    With above said.

    "Your existance is the saddest thing I've witnessed. You act like a clueless animal, trying desperetely to satisfy your pathetic life while hurting others. World and society is much better without you. You are mistake and dont belong here. Make humanity a favor by killing yourself, thank you."
     
  17. Pete J

    Pete J Master Guru

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    Some of those as well
    Sort of related, a work colleague was holding me up work wise, so I went over to her desk just to chase it up. She apologised for taking so long and something along the lines of 'I know it's frustrating when someone else is holding you up'. I was distracted by thinking about half a dozen other things I had do do, so rather than politely replying that it wasn't a problem (which would've been my normal response), I Freudian slipped and just simply said 'yes'. Two other nearby work colleagues who I get on really well with burst into laughter at the sudden abruptness of my response :).
     
  18. MayaHaveADrink

    MayaHaveADrink Guest

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    I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
     
  19. MayaHaveADrink

    MayaHaveADrink Guest

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    You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard
     
  20. MayaHaveADrink

    MayaHaveADrink Guest

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    Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?
     

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