Im so lost and sad that i dont know how to go on .....

My love, my everything, my girl, my soul, my spirit is slipping away on 20 January .....she died
Like this post from away back this time has come that we had to say goodbye.
http://forums.guru3d.com/showpost.php?p=4424354&postcount=22

As 'normal' she needed a anti biotic for her lung problem but its getting worse and on Saturday she said to me its like im drowning even when standing up. Laying down its 'normal' to feel this way if people getting liquid in and around her lungs bcoz heart failure like she has if diuretics does not the job now and then.
But before all we got at the first aid after we needed to pass the general practice centre first when we where at home and phone the first office i told the front desk that they cant do nothing and all is waste of time its mentioned in the report in 2008 that we can pass all and straight to the prober first aid. But they thought differently but when we got there sure all whistles and bells ringing....first aid now!!...i said thank you for stubbornness and waste of 1 hour.

We got to the nearest hospital, stubborn as they are normally as now again. Saturation of 80-82 is normal for her they give her wrong medicine that relieve breathing but increase liquid in organs even more as side effect. Even the thorax picture was readed wrong and i told that to them as well and finally they admit that they are in doubt of it.

The hours after its so and so.. the next morning she ring me on and said they will sent her to her 'own' hospital that she has been for her whole life of 42 years, 100 km away dutch heart and lung specialised centre. I said i will come over and to be with you and your mother will join as well.
So when i saw her and read the heart monitor i saw the blood-pressure dropped to 70over50 and think myself this is a wrong road we walk on. The paramedics arrived and again as 6 years ago refused to transport and after long talk ok we can go.
Her mother in the ambulance and i drive after safely alone not with the ambulance slip stream.
But when she arrived, trip went well, she goto the Coronary Care Unit but at a short stay to the IC unit and there it goes rapid downhill. In the 48 hours some
bright spots but its getting worse and worse, more blood pressure increasing medicine is needed with not lasting improvement and more oxygen added needed.
And on we talked to the front IC doctor what is happening as we know house of cards that has been 'stable' for years are falling due some influenza virus she got, copd or PAH or her right heart camber is falling we dont know atm. If its the influenza we hope she can concure it but i asked when i see the medicins and monitor is it realistic to say she got 10% change.....? After a deathly silence of seconds, feels like a eternal , he answers yes thats the realistic figure and what i know already is slammed in my face so hard ( i was talking to him alone thats why the i form)

And tuesday evening a bright spark and the nurse specialist he said lets do something and he did all what is left and she respond to it amazing and after a while of hope.....She pull me to her and she said some final goodbye words and i talked back as well but i feld so empty of sadness i cant express but on the other hand i thought girl you can win this like you win so many battles. The nurse specialist asked her if she wanted to be refreshed up and new clothes on and she said so clearly YES and you want to be washed with me and your husband and again clear yes..
So we did but she didnt noticed i think and after a while she wanted a piece of fruit and water i fed her and look at the monitor and it was looking better then few hours ago. I said to my mother in law that i take a quick nap after 3 days of awake she stayed with her after 3 hours i jumped out of my sleep at 3 am and i felt i needed to be rushed to her. When i came on the room my eyes went straight to the monitor and i was in shock blood-pressure 42 over 30 and all hope flushed away..... I took her hand i give her a final kiss and sit down and 3 minutes the most fear straight line appear..... she died!!

Now 11 days later i feel so lost im missing her so much damn this is so hard...Her belongings that came back from the hospital is still every where in the shower, her fresh clothes that where drying when this all started is still there...her last clothes still in the bag that i cant wash...all where i look in the house i see her.
Why i wrote this all is that i feel the need to put it on paper... that we have to be precious in love what we got....that we miss all if its not be there any more. We be together 22 years and the last 19 years i was a caregiver which was hard at some point and days but done with love with all i had but now i missing it so much as well her love......
RIP my darling you will never be forgotten.

 

Stay strong, brother.

 

Yes Stay strong, brother. Keep a stiff upper lip

 

I really dont know what to say right now, my friend. I cant imagine what you're going through.

 

Her suffering is over, good bless brother

 

Sorry for your loss, I'm sure you did everything you could to make the time special and harsh as it may sound im sure she wouldn't want you spending your time wallowing in self pitty, as has been said...her suffering is over but now its time to look after your own health, dont shut people out...you`ll need friends now more than ever, grieving is a slow process, look after yourself and the rest will fall in to place.

 

Yeah, as the post above says, dont go shutting people out and difficault as it will be, try to just have some fun, do that for her.

If possible, get out there and see the world, not to run away from the pain, but to deal with it. Reminding yourself that there is an entire world out there despite the fact that you may feel yours has ended...just try and get out there, staying home by yourself is not the best idea right now.

 

our pray with her bro..always God Bless her..

 

I feel ya, i lost couple of people that i know as well, time may not heal all the wound but for sure it will be much easier to process all of this in the future, in the right time, here memories will bring your more joy than tears, you gotta live through it, stay strong!

 

very sorry to hear man try and keep as busy as possible hard as that may sound, keeping busy and active can at least help get you through, take care time will slowly heal you

 

I am sorry for your loss.

 

I felt much the same when my mum died unexpectedly. It hurt for a long time because for the first time I saw what it was like to lose someone I cared about. All you can do is remember the good times, and try to become stronger from it.

 

All yours friends and family are important pillars for you now.

Back in 2011 when I watched my little brother die on a hospital bed I can somewhat relate it was horrible, the person whom I loved most in my life had just died.

With my family and friends I got through depression and hell that followed. I took it on me to live the life for me and for my brother.

 

I personally lost my brother and my mother a few years ago and it has been a terrible pain for my heart.
By my personal experience i would say to you that she's not completely dead.
She's just gone physically but she is still alive inside your Heart anyway.
That's it bro !
Who has a heart is such a crystal. Who does not, is such a dead and cold stone or a shell without the slightest interest.
And love is such gold in perpetual change...
She now lives in you in the depths of your heart, and she will see by your eyes, she will feel everything by your own emotion, and she will hear everything by your ears.
As long as you will accept it, she will stay with you forever in your heart and she even will guid you too sometimes for the choices you will have to do and decide.
So, i tell you that it is now an another way to live still your love with her, together, but by your memory for her.
I don't know if you believe in god or if you are spiritual but he will certainly help you in this difficult moment anyway.
Avoid blaming yourself if it could be the case 'cause it will not help you anyway.
Believe me ! that's the only way to survive with that.
But always keep faith and the rest will be progressively admitted by your soul, own memory and heart. Cause you will realize finally that she's just gone in your heart to stay with you whatever life did decide for her.
You and her are now such an unique thing and love and nobody will not change anything to that.
It's just a question of acceptation anyway.
Of course, sometimes you will still get some tears by all you had lived together and because the lack of her will stay a real pain for you and all especially if you are a sensitive guy like me.
Bro ! Remembers that life and dead are intimately one and only one continuity.
Look at the seasons of the weather.
Winter is similar to the dead and however at mid winter, life comes back and it's such like a new reborn by recovering the buds to grow on the branches, because life reasserts itself, anyway. Life will allow you to live physically and dead, to live completely free as a bird but differently also as you become afterwards as an astral body. There's just a passage between life and death, which, do not be afraid.
Unless you will have committed a lot of crimes and horrors in your live, of course...
I remain wholeheartedly with you and you offer my sincere condolences to her family and all her friends.
Be courageous and accept what I tell you, and this is, that pain will finally on about bearable because you finally will realize that she is still alive, in you and through you.
With all my empathy
Best regards

 

Sorry to hear about your loss, i know how it is to loose loved ones. But take joy in the fact that you had a long time to be with her. God bless you man !

 

Thats tough, i'm sorry for your loss.

 

Very sorry to hear, friend. Losing someone is horrible but it's life and it will happen to everyone.
Keep your head up. She's in a better place; not having to deal with her pain, distress and torture. She will be moving onto the next part with her Soul.
RIP.

May I ask, how old was she and you?

 

Man that's awefull Never ever forget the time you had together, take the next step and know that she would be proud of you.

Gecondoleerd, het is en blijft afschuwelijk om zulke dingen te lezen. Sterkte man!

 

I'm so sorry to read this Bohi2_OGU.

You must be a strong person showing that level of commitment throughout the years. But most things in our lifes are out of our control, no matter what we do or how hard we try. In the end we can only hope for the best.

There will come the time where you have to be strong yet again and have to let go. Because your life continues and she wouldn't want you to be sad.

It's not the end, it's a new beginning.